2 Things I am learning about myself:
1. I'm an extrovert.
2. I'm super sensitive.
Okay - in middle school, on the myers-briggs I was an introvert - anyone that tested for personality mapping, that's what I got. But I'm finding that I'm not really. I wrote in an earlier post that I thought I might be - but rejection - lots of it - changes a person; by that time, most of the damage was done. I think I was hurt pretty badly, and I think I just didn't want to go there with people anymore. I bailed. So for a long time, I did not like people. AT ALL. I didn't want to engage, I wanted to be left alone. Until God did some real emotional healing in my life, I really had pigeon-holed myself into the role of "outsider" whenever I was in large groups of people. But the truth is, I like being the entertainer - I like chit-chat - I like making people laugh - I like telling stories. I will almost always bail on individual things to go hang out with people if I am asked. I ALWAYS want to tag along. Part of that goes to my need for quality time. But I am finding that I want to be near activity. I can be alone, sure, but usually, I am listening to the radio, sermons, movies. I'm finding that I'm more social than I really cared to admit.
It's no wonder that I feel like I live within a dichotomy in my mind - part of me still is reluctant to engage because my heart is rather tender. My feelings are readily hurt. I think it's the people with the most tender hearts that can only get the hardest ones - I think wounds go deep, and to barricade from that level of pain, I think when people who are sensitive really get wounded, they become rocks, bitter, hard, and ugly. Softening that hardness is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks to do; in my personal opinion, I think that it is only by means of a very personal realization by Christ's power that really heals that nastiness. It was that way in my case. And I'm inclined to believe that the bitterest person can become the most loving and affectionate if healed of those deep wounds.
For me, in the present moment, I'm still scared of risking some things. There are some betrayals that are still very fresh. And it hurts. And it makes me think of Jesus. And then I cry because I do that to Jesus. And I am just as guilty, not less, because sin begets sin. I don't want to be the source of that kind of affliction for anyone, and it bugs me to no end that I commit the same sin committed against me. Part of me feels guilty for feeling hurt. And my home was a home where there was little compassion for emotional pain, and there were times where I was told I wasn't allowed to be upset, so I stifled many emotions and learned not to cry. So now, when feeling upset, I feel like I have deserved the treatment that got me upset. Part of me is still bound to that "do not cry" so I almost feel as if it's wrong to feel sad about being hurt.
Bondage sucks. So many imposed perceptions and graceless judgments can really hound people who are easily guilted. I attribute this to tenderness because I figure, if you can easily feel, you can easily feel negatively. It's prayer that gets me through. And God is so merciful. The part of me that I want back so badly, the part that I had when I was a kid, was my readily friendliness and my desire to pursue friendship with people. After being turned down so many times, eventually you stop calling, and you just wait for people to want a relationship with you. And that can be equally if not more depressing. It's at those moments, those depressing ones, that I realize the person who I need to rely upon is Jesus. I'm dependent on Him to meet my need, because if I rely on people for those ups, I'll be let down eventually. But more importantly, I need to show my deference and reliance on him. Getting so upset about hurts, and people-this, and people-that can expose an underlying sin of idolatry for the admiration of men. And I am not about to excuse myself and say in my case there is no sin. I believe in the deceitfulness of the heart - of my own. That there are things that I don't want to admit, that there are things that I enjoy more than God, and that I cannot be trusted even by myself. So even when I am healed, there is still an element of my own personal repentance when it comes to things like this. And I can only say that the way that God deals with us by the power of the Holy Spirit through Christ Jesus is nothing shy of remarkable. The forgiveness of sin and the power of emotional healing at the same time really is something God-sized powerful. I've never learned more in my life than when God has been my Teacher.
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