Worst in me...

I went into work today wondering at how my job brings out the worst in me. I have had all of my impatience exposed, yelled with no results, and feel like I have accomplished nothing (though some things have been accomplished). And I feel sad and like a failure.

It made me ask the question: is it best to work at a place where you are challenged to modify your character, feeling like the worst of you is being smushed out, or is it better to work where your strengths shine, your weaknesses are minimized and you love it all the time? I know that God has his purposes - and there's nothing so depressing as totally tanking at a job you thought you'd be good at. As a tutor, I have ridiculous patience. As a teacher, I have little to none. With the prospect of losing my job, I don't want to lose it feeling like I don't have another chance to try it out again, applying what I have learned and starting over. I hate feeling like a quitter. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. But the very great chasm of public education is saddening.

I want to believe that God is so big that each and every one of my students can make it in the same semester, in the same year. But there is so much sin in our world - what has happened to my students in their home life, at school, with friends, on the field - there's so much damage - so many things were done wrong. So much is irreversible. But I BELIEVE that God is merciful and good. I wish I had prayed more. I wish I had been more vigilant about being patient. I wish I had not been so short tempered. I wish I had loved it all as much as I thought I would. I wish I could have fixed what was broken in their lives. I wish I could have made them want to learn. I wish I could have made them want to be fixed. I wish they would have eyes for seeing. I wish they would have had ears for hearing. I wish they would have known and believed that I pulled for them. I wish they had known that I bent over backwards trying to get them through. I wish...I wish...I wish. I wonder at the amazing patience of the Lord through my stubbornness, my own obstinate nature, my own selfishness, my unwillingness to learn. And I wonder at how I can make Christ's behavior, attitude, love, correction, patience, peace, gentleness, self-control my own.

If I have trouble being a sinner teaching sinners, I cannot imagine what God feels -the mix of emotions all in perfect balance, perfect expression, perfect harmony. I am at a loss for comprehension. But when I allow God to invade the complaints my brain, I am humbled, and simply without words but for the praise for Him who knew me when I was yet a sinner. All I can do is admit that I am so out of my element, so completely inept, so ill-prepared, and so poorly wired that I am utterly reliant on God. My desperation is beyond even what I have known. It's all in a shambles. I just need a rescuer...a Savior.