Attention Getterrrrr...

I think I have always known that I have had a problem with attention, though it was one of those things that was kept on the down low - something that was there, but unacknowledged. Dunno how or why it started, but attention seems to be a currency for me. I mean, I want attention in general, but also from men.

I think most girls struggle with this - at least with guys that range from someone their partially interested in to full-blown obsession with. It's an ugly part of myself that I don't want to acknowledge - really, honestly, I thought I was different from other girls - that I didn't lend myself to that "neediness" (or what I thought was neediness). But I have come to find that I am just as susceptible. Just as drawn in by attention. Compelled. Weak. Ugh.

It's a drug - a drug that will draw out a girl (who is attention starved) to someone she is merely mildly interested in. It's that strong. The question is, why are we so desparate? What has created the deficiency? Or where was the oversupply in the past that we're now trying to recreate (because we might have been that vain)?

I had a situation where, and I hate to admit it, I was addicted to the attention...to the point where I feel like I was scheduling my time around it. Scratch "I feel like I was". I KNOW that I was. But I began asking myself what the draw was...was it the person? Sure, that had something to do with it...but was I addicted to the attention? Hmmm, that made me pause. It was like gravity - I just was drawn to the attention...and I don't think I wanted to dwell on that weakness.

God put an end to this in one of the most emotionally painful summers of my life. Not because things would be different - no, I could continue with taking as much attention as I needed, but by proxy of what had surrounded it, I discovered it wasn't worth the draw (based on the source and what I was emotionally attaching myself to, just by getting attention). I began resisting gravity. When you are pulled by gravity, depending on how far off the ground you are, the rate of speed gets faster - exponentially. I was blindsided by attention, up there, high off the ground, not expecting, thinking I was immune. Not a high horse...a high building with a girl who didn't know herself well. And when I fell of the cliff, I nearly did get crushed on the pavement.

But what is the fix? I haven't found it - I think worshipping God is a great start - part of the need for attention (for myself, I feel), is pure selfishness, and Christianity is the death of self. But I haven't conquered it yet - frustrating indeed. I find now that I avoid those places where I might seek attention - but will I live like this for long? I know for a fact that I still don't know how to handle it, feeling like I have been ignored by many...what happens when the situation changes? Is there a point where I give in? Scary thoughts, and I pray God makes me a fighter, satisfied by His attentions alone.