I do not like Oprah - but there is something that she said that I had to respect her for: she admitted that she hates exercise. I think this was a healthy thing to do, and I probably have no idea how liberating saying that made her feel.
I don't know how I feel about exercise. Exercise and I, we've had a long, tumultous affair. Exercise loves me more that I love it. We haven't gone to counseling, though we should. I want to make our relationship work. But at the same time, we haven't been intimate friends/lovers for the majority of my life. And that takes getting used to.
Now, my mom and I tell different stories on how I came to be grossly (as in above the norm, not as in disgusting) overweight. And I don't really know what to think, only that I need to fix it. But generally, and I really could kick myself sometimes, I need to know "WHY?" I do something. And typically, the simple answer never suffices.
I read a great article on the Resurgence (a resource hub for Christians with articles, books, music) that dealt with "repentence first" approach - which was great, because it talked about how we need to repent first from sin, then endeavor to figure out why. Often times, those of us who obsess over the "Why did I do this?" portion can become so consumed with the "Why?" we forget to simply say "I'm sorry; this is my responsibility, and I'm sorry I sinned again" to the God of the Universe.
So, here I am, thinking, "Why?" and repenting (and not really knowing how to for something like this - you learn to repent anew, I feel, everytime you realized you've committed a different sin, or at least, I do), but still at a loss. It's tough when you have struggled with being fat/heavy/overweight for so long because, mind you, it's not like attempts haven't been made to fix it. And those failures, well, they are real, alive, they often talk, have images, and they say, "what's the point?"
Point is, I need to stay here as long as I can if I am going to be used by Jesus. I need my health. I need good habits so that when I have kids, they catch onto the good habits. I need to feel pretty - I need to feel desirable. I need to feel like I honor the Lord in ALL things. Nothing like a physical reminder of your lack of self-discipline; your feeling of "what's the point;" your feeling of "I'll never get around to it;" now that is real, in the flesh, bothersome. And when it's for a period of years, you cope, you don't fix.
Well, I'm kind of (read: really) tired of "coping." I'm ready for a change, but I wonder if it's on the heals of some giant "revelation of epic proportions" (which I have actually experienced in other times of my life). Or, if I am going to do it quietly, hypeless, quick-flip-of-the-mental-switch, over a period of months, nothing special, but when it's over, big-deal-for-me way. In any case, I think what I am looking for (and I don't think it's wrong to want this) is a feeling of "it's time." But, I'm doing this with a Bible at my side, and God loves to teach me new ways of learning, so I can't always bank on the same old way of doing things.
I guess, I will just continue to pray...and learn to love Exercise. I'm still seeking out the whys, but I should do something while I wait, no?
Hey, it's Courtney (FB friend, black chick from Lost Mountain, etc.). I'm not sure how this would work out for you because my brain is admittedly wired a little differently than most, but I just don't feel my feelings about situations and it allows me to get done pretty much anything I need or want to achieve. If you sit there and THINK about how much you hate to do something, you're going to start FEELING that negativity and that's going to be completely counterproductive - you're going to work yourself into a frenzy and it's going to be that much harder to achieve your goals. If you might be able to detach yourself a bit from your EMOTIONS about things and maybe do things on automatic... "Gotta clean the house. Gotta go to the dentist. Gotta do 30 minutes on the elliptical." This is pretty much how I operate every day. There are so many things that, if I were to sit and reflect on it, I'd absolutely LOATHE doing. But I simply don't let it get to that point. I get up and go, get done what I need to get done. Don't allow yourself time to think about your feelings.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I hope you're looking to achieve a REASONABLE weight... not everyone is meant to be size 0, or even size 6. But you're smart... you already know that :-)
Take care, fellow blogger/writer.
Haha, thanks Courtney. Of course I remember you. And I totally agree with you that the "thinking about doing" is what's killing the doing. And I have tried it, and accomplished things. But I also want to change my attitude. I think it really is necessary to do that. But yes, the thoughts bog down the thinkers. I agree with you there. It's hard to shut my brain off sometimes, but I will definitely keep your words in mind - because I've thought them before, haha, wondering, "I should just not think. I should just DO."
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