I have to remember that I am often misunderstood. I HAVE to do this because when people rub me the wrong way, I HAVE to remember that I could be misunderstanding them. But when you are confronted with the actual, factual, real, not-fake, no-flex reality of being completely misunderstood, it is very hard to seek to understand before expecting to be understood when push comes to shoved into a wall. "Bitter tears" are not just an image of eloquent writers.
I am extremely opinionated and open-minded at the same time. Some things, I am decided on: the commandments, commitments that we make to people, doing our best, and doing what is right while doing right to and for others, and surrendering to Jesus and killing sin. But methods and manners of presenting or serving on these things, etc., I know that there are many right answers. But, because I come off as opinionated, it is often assumed that I am judgmental. In fact, I am very wary of people who do not mention how they feel and who "keep the peace." The mere act of suppressing conflict and and "keeping the peace" to me is those exerting their own desire to feel the safety of no conflict or opinion that we should all just be happy on those who need to confront, discuss, and MAKE peace. There are times where I want to avoid conflict, especially if it will cost me a price I would rather not pay and endure being misunderstood. But I am finding lately like I feel like I have nothing to lose, so I should challenge.
That being said, the people who are close to me vary from being tough-skinned to extremely sensitive and unconfrontable. As much as I love the unconfrontable people, I don't want to be one of them. I want to be open to criticism - and it is not easy given that I often feel attacked. A LOT. God has given me the grace to live without screwing my life up beyond belief - and, being an overachiever, you better believe I could have mucked it up good. That's why I thank God for His mercy with me when I see the suffering that people have endured because God was not ruler in their lives. Don't misunderstand me - I have nothing to do with making good decisions. Each time I have tried to seat myself on the throne of my own vapor of a life, God has kindly, gently, and firmly shoved me off His place. And don't think I'm not trying to fight Him, often, every step of the way. When I think of myself as this weak, childish, foolish, and selfish kid who whines, it helps me to understand others, though I might be misunderstood due to my vocal nature. I have to remember that God has allowed things to humble, transform, educate, reteach, adjust, wash, rinse, and repeat me to health. I need the criticism and peace-making. I need it.
Sometimes it is hard though. Your heart aches when you realize people don't have a complete picture of your heart. You are sad when you can't reconcile the fact that the point you were desperately trying to communicate was missed or that you have trouble communicating the EXACT message, when you try to communicate it in the best way you can. You try to relate, and yet, it's still very difficult each time - you get new barriers each season of life with other humans.
My prayer is that I would continue to know what it means to "seek to understand without being understood" in its most intimate, heart-wrenching levels. It is a painful thing to experience - people can talk about it all day long, but until you are crushed by it, you just don't understand the misunderstood. Praying these hard things is what I call "good dangerous." You learn so much, but be prepared, you experience real hurt. And last I checked, this society was about avoiding all negative feelings at any cost. But that cost is one that I am not willing to pay. Give me reality over denial any day; I don't want to be numb to others. I want to seek to understand without being understood.
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