Not that girl...

I am not the "tons of guy friends" girl. And that doesn't bother me. I didn't ever feel the need to have guys surrounding me, nor did I ever really want them around as friends. That's not to say I don't have them now, but I don't really talk to them regularly. In fact, when that happens, it's outside the ordinary. And I'm usually not comfortable with it.

I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, but I really think that I miss the point of talking to guys "as friends" regularly (i.e., regular phone calls, emails, etc.). I feel like I'm playing at something when I do - like there are lots of games and pretending like we are more (and I don't like these types of games and guessing). I think this partially has to do with my bad experiences with boys in early youth, but also with the maturity/responsibility gap. With young men my own age, I rarely have anything in common with them and can rarely devise a reason to talk with them (sometimes, I wish I could devise a reason ;) ). Combine the fact that being overweight often has the effect of making a person unattractive to others and sometimes drives them away, there is mutual isolation. To add to that, I rarely see guys conversing with "unattractive" girls, which leads me to believe that there is some sort of ulterior motive for the guys - some sort of gratification.

But, it doesn't really bother me to not talk to them. I see some girls with really close (way to close for my comfort) guy friends, and it seems like there is codependency without commitment. I'm NOT saying this is always the case, but as someone who has "missed the boat" on this one, I wonder OFTEN what the "payoff" is, given that we are hormonal creatures and often very self-centered and self-serving. For me, there is a fundamental difference between boys and girls and a fundamental difference between them as friends. By far, the dudes talk A LOT more about themselves than the gals do (in my case), in terms of those who I end up talking to regularly. I do have guy friends who are less "hey, this is what's up with me and my life and my dreams and who I am," but most often, they aren't people I talk to every-other-daily like my gal pals.

As a girl who desires to be married to only one man and worry about only one man's problems, fears, hopes, dreams, thoughts, and person, I feel like getting too close is a dangerous place for me to be. I don't want to feel like there is a "backup plan" nor like I am hoping for something, ANYTHING to happen. Because I feel this way, I am often wary of guys who have, on average, more girl friends than guy friends and who talk to those girls super often. I feel like this is an indication that the guy has a hard time talking to guys, relating to his own sex, and finds "comfort" in talking to women rather than men. DANGER. That word "comfort" gets a little too close to "seduced by." As I witnessed a close person to me dump one girl for another who was "just a friend" (i.e., he's dating someone else, and they talk constantly, etc.), I have come to find the number of girl friends that a guy has to be point of contention for me. And often, these girls pursue the friendships more than the guys, though the guys have sent messages that weren't quite clear.

I listen to Mark Driscoll, a pastor in Seattle with some great words for singles, and I can't agree more with his sentiment: "if you want to be married, shouldn't you live like a married person (sans spouse)?" Meaning, should you be partying? Checking out everyone and anyone? Dating tons of people? Calling everyone and pursuing multiple people (referring to men AND women)? Or should you be cultivating your character, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health in anticipation of the person God has for you? Should you be learning maturity and responsibility? Should you be serving others to learn how to be selfless in marriage?

For me, this was an indication that not having lots of guy friends who talk to me or who I talk to was really okay. Yes, I need to learn how to relate to my guy friends and love them as brothers in Christ, but there is a boundary between friend and codependent, opposite-sex, emotional-life partner. And some guys, it is true, are just wasting your time, trying to keep you in the thick of their lives as a gratification for themselves.

Now, my opinion is NOT popular. But I look at my end game: marriage. And I feel like the "LOTS OF GUY FRIENDS" model doesn't quite fit into the end game. And, I'm cool with that.